The Short Porch: “Filthy Phil” Is Ruining Baseball

There are no heights you can’t rise to when service trumps self-interest.

-Bruce Bochy


MLB season is too long.


That sentence pains me to write…


Saying we need to play less baseball is like saying I need to make healthier food choices; It’s true but what’s the realistic chances it gets done? They have too much money tied into the lengthy season to just make changes without it being demanded by the fans.

Baseball had its earliest opening day in history this year and we are on pace to have a record number of rainouts and postponements.  The games are not being played and attendance is down roughly 10% from last year. Players are getting hurt and no one is in the stands. Who is to blame you ask? Punxsutawney Phil, that lyin’ weasel… blame him.  He always predicts 6 more weeks of winter every year, but this year when we had sun and didn’t believe him he teamed up with Jackie Frost and another coconspirator to send us more winter and snow! The other conspirator may surprise some to learn — it was Tom Brady. Punxsutawney Phil was the mastermind behind “DeflateGate” and was the real person deflating footballs, so Tom owed him. That is the only reason I can think of, they go back years to when Phil was an intern for the Patriots and helped take Drew Bledsoe out paving the way for Tom to start.  But we can’t let this little ground weasel hold the cards anymore, we must act and counter his evil plans.

Now to be fair I must report that I have had a long-standing feud with Phil that goes way back. I don’t remember when it started just that it burns with the white-hot rage of a thousand suns.  I am also an avid watcher of the weather channel, who are not fake weather news, and relies on science to predict when spring will arrive and not just a guess, like PHIL. This disclosure is so that I don’t look like a jackass later when you find out about it. Phil hates attention being off him and his, inaccurate, weather predictions and every year in February everyone’s attention turns rightful so, to Baseball, BBQ’s, Cold beers, and the great outdoors. Calling in a favor from the person that owes him everything, Phil set out to regain the attention he longs for. It wasn’t too hard to convince Tom, as they both hate not being the center of attention and Phil and Tom go way back. Stay woke folks do the research.

But to get back off that rant and back onto the problem at hand, snow makes for no baseball. If you have been an avid reader of my articles — thanks for the support Mom — you will know that I brought up the idea to shorten the season before, but I didn’t really dive into it or discuss why we should. Mostly because it pains me to be advocating for a shorter season while I love the game to death and would play everyday if I could.  But on the other hand, I am also a fan that enjoys watching meaningful games with players that are starters and not bench players brought in to decrease the fatigue from the grind of 162 games a season. The problem seems to be that the schedule was lengthened to make as much money as possible, not to make the game better for the fans. I would argue that fans are the ones that are left out in the cold here as the games they go to this early in the year are snowed out or almost meaningless.  It’s kind of like buying a ticket to a show only to learn when you get there that “Filthy” Phil booked Nickelback to replace the main act and play a 3-hour greatest hits show (Is that even possible? do they even have 1 hit?). Would you have gone if you knew that Nickelback was replacing the band that you bought the ticket for? Probably not if you value good music.

Convincing old wealthy men to give up money for the sake of the players and the game has about the same chance of success as Vanilla Ice’s hardcore remake, there is a reason he has a home improvement show on cable television. But, maybe if enough people listened he would still be relevant to today’s music world. So, the moral of this story kids is that the more of us that speak up the more pressure will be on them to make the changes. Its up to us once again folks.  Play ball.


P.S. I feel I should add: if anything happens to me, start your investigation in Punxsutawney and look for a ground weasel named Phil.



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