The Short Porch: SPACE SLAM!

“You don’t realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth.”

– Mickey Mantle

I thought I had it all figured it out this time.  I had no doubt about it, with Mike Trout on pace to have single greatest season in MLB history and the Enhanced All Star game right around the corner, it’s obvious he must be using right? I mean it usually goes hand in hand in baseball. Maybe not — look closer at the picture provided. See something written on the bottle? “Michael’s Secret Stuff” has a hidden meaning that few people would pick up on, but with a little investigating I think I have figured out what is going on here. Clearly, Michael Jordan has passed down the secret of winning interplanetary sports battles to Mike Trout.

Remember back in 1996 when Jordan, Murray, and Newman from Seinfeld, battled the Monstars? And then defeated them, ruining their plans to capture cartoons and display them in an amusement park? Well Mr. Swackhammer and the Nerdlucks are back and this time they have learned their lesson that no one can beat Michael Jordan in basketball (Sorry LeBron you just don’t cut it).

So why make the same mistake by taking on another great hero named Michael? Easy answer: Former Seattle Mariner GM Jack Z is Monstars GM and missed out on Trout again or maybe Mike spent so much time with the Philadelphia Eagles they thought he played football.

According to my sources, Moron Mountain amusement park has finished with their renovations and are actively looking for new attractions. Mr. Swackhammer and The Nerdlucks have been selecting the best players to steal abilities from and have taken some of baseballs bests abilities: Max Scherzer, Giancarlo Stanton, Bryce Harper, Jose Altuve, Manny Machado, Anthony Rizzo, Nolan Arenado, Clayton Kershaw are just a few names to have been leaked. The threat is real and headed our way, now is the time we get our team prepared for battle.



If this scenario were to play out like described above, and space monsters were to come back to earth looking to take over the abilities of the best players on the planet, they would first stop at my house. I’m not there — fishing or something. Then, they’d go to Mike Trout. He is that good, like really, really, really ridiculously good. Its almost like playing a video game character with the sliders all the way up.

I may be going out on a limb here, but I am confident that Mike Trout could lead a winning team against pirated abilities clones and win, saving the world if a Space Jam type scenario were to play out in real life. He is on pace for the single greatest season in MLB history. Now imagine him on a team with the severely under scouted talent in Bugs Bunny who can literally play all 9 positions, at once.  But you get the point, this is the guy you want leading the charge when it’s all on the line. If we can get a solid yes from Bill Murray to manage, I think the planet is safe.  Play Ball



Also, apologies to Wayne Knight, you are a great actor that has stared in many roles, yet you will always be Newman from Seinfeld.


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